I trip on absolutely nothing and fall face first onto pavements, I walk into non-existent poles and get bitten by invisible insects. Secretly, I am a clumsy 70 year old gra’mma. Umhm u read that right.
Mamma says I was a comparatively healthy kid and by healthy, she means “Thank God I can fix it and doesn’t have to take this one to the hospital.” For instance, one time, I laughed so hard and fell backward and then wailed even harder after hitting my head on the cot. Mamma fixed it with an ice bag. Another time, I walked straight into a sliding glass door in a mall and mamma got me new spectacles. ”Eyes wide open dear, watch where you are going.”
Cuts and wounds were never really a problem until mamma waged her most powerful weapon, the ‘spirit swab’. The spirit swab was to mamma, what the mjolnir was to Thor. I cannot recount the number of times I’ve nearly peed my pants as mamma, not mamma anymore, instead, as the medical practitioner that she was, rubbed the swabs on wounds, sending a chill through my nerves.
However I’ve done my fair share in sending other people to hospitals! Back when I was a 3 year old, I helped my cousin brother C, fill a hole. It’s just that, the hole happened to be in the ear. He put one tiny pebble in and was thrilled to find it gone. Fascinated with the discovery I helped him, with all the pebbles I could find. Lo and behold, only when he was taken to the ENT specialised later that day did I realise that I screwed up. Then again, I drove the living hell out of my mother, when I bit my li’l brother A on the neck, after what began as a friendly fist fight.
My cousins have exemplary talent in this area of ‘wonder how you didn’t die’ kinda accidents. I’ve failed at sympathizing or consoling them after each such accident because by the time I’m done laughing, they would’ve usually found a less sadistic, more understanding elder. V was an extremely curious kid. Walking eyes closed, through long empty corridors was her weakness. Once, her teacher sent her to get chalk. Class hour, hence, long empty corridor! She couldn’t resist the urge to run down the corridor, eyes closed. ‘Bam!’ she ran into a water cooler and broke her nose. Her sister, D went to play ‘spin’, a game where two people, stand facing each other holding hands and then spins quickly, and returned with a broken pinkie finger.
By far, the best accident happened on teacher’s day this year. I’d been procrastinating laundry until I finally ran out of clothes. Infamous for ‘efficient finance management’, mamma now needs a list of expenses and “I got new clothes because I didn’t want to do my laundry” was not a reasonable excuse. So I climbed up to the terrace with buckets-full of dirty laundry. I had no idea then that in a few hours I would be running downstairs and barging into T’s room saying, “emergency! go get my first aid box.”
After I put out my clothes to dry, I navigated rather poorly, through the dimly lit terrace, amidst lines of clothes and CRASH.I saw blue and green and red, “aurora borealis?” Nope. It was just a whack to the head! I had walked straight into a metal box, the outdoor AC unit!
The amount of attention and pampering was so overwhelming. T made me porridge, R brought me bandages and I nearly crushed S’ hand while T dressed my wound. I break into laughter each time somebody asks me about it. Honestly, I would’ve considered walking into more such things had this bandage looked sexy on my forehead. Disappointingly, it simply looks like I have a bald spot, making me feel like an over enthusiastic squirrel who expected chestnuts or pine nuts but got coconuts instead!