This may not be suitable for all audiences.
Content Warning – Death of a dear one, denial.
Death is a weird weird thing. Just when you are least expecting it, a friend, a parent, grandparent, a friend’s parent, pet or relative, gone. As a child, there was nothing scarier than death. No I wasn’t scared of dying, still not, but I was scared of losing a near one, still am.
Each time I hear about a death of somebody I knew beyond the ‘hi hello realm’, I feel drained. I don’t know how it feels like to get sucked into a black hole, but I’m guessing this is how it feels.
That one time my dad nearly crossed over to the other territory, my mother and I sat down and laughed. That was our first reaction, denial, to dismiss it off as a joke. We laughed hysterically while my brother watched us in disbelief. “Papa didn’t win a lottery you guys, he just had an attack. You heard it right no?”
Papa too joked about it when we met him in the hospital. Amma sat next to him on the bed and kissed his hand when he said “Your bad luck Mercy, otherwise you could’ve dramatically kissed my forehead while they lifted my coffin.”
Yet again, when he was discharged, a nurse gave him a ‘get well soon’ rose and I went “Ha! Unlucky papa, otherwise you would’ve received so many bouquets and wreaths by now.” He chuckled and gave the rose to me.
Even though papa survived the heart attack and came back home, we, for the longest time, refused to accept that he did have an attack and an immediate angiograph afterward. We refused to accept that he’s just as vulnerable as any other man.
I’ve often asked him how it felt like to suddenly not feel alive anymore. He could only recollect the shooting pain that went down his left arm, the nausea, the sweat that dribbled down his forehead and a feeling of surprise.
I keep wondering if it’s true that they say; do you feel the security you felt in your mother’s womb in that last few minutes? Does the taste of your mother’s milk return to your tongue? Does all your memories play like a film in front of you? Do you really go through a tunnel with a light at the end of it?
Aaah I don’t think I’ll ever find answers to it. I don’t think I ever want to find answers to it.